Raw

To be perfectly honest, I've pushed this from my mind for most of the time between now and almost a year ago when I found out. It seems to catch me off guard, although most of the time I make myself believe it doesn't bother me. I didn't think it did, actually. The Christian-ese solution is so simple and everyone says, "Just keep believing you are healed" like it's so simple to do. But how does that apply in a practical sense? I mean, do I talk about it? Do I show God that I'm persistent by spending countless hours at the alter? Mostly I just try to forget and hope it doesn't eventually come around again. It always does. The strangest things trigger something inside of me and I break down like a baby. Healing isn't something I can make happen. I feel overwhelmed knowing the full weight I feel just by the mention of that word. I've seen what happens if I'm not healed, and I'm not prepared to face that. I'm not prepared to be the one determining my fate; for myself, my husband and maybe one day our kids.      Should we even have kids? Is it worth it? Half a life, one where you leave everyone who loves you before you even get to be a grandparent.. How am I supposed to make that decision?

It's not simple. "Oh, just believe." 
It's just not that simple.