My thoughts have been crazy. My feelings even worse. Sometimes it's hard to watch out for them. I hate to be that person, always led by my emotions. I want to be strong, and fight them. At this point they are my own worst weapon.
I've made a choice, I decided. But then I felt it was the right choice, then it was the easy choice, it was the one I wanted. When I don't have the feelings, when I'm not quite so sure, should I rely on what I knew to be right? I still know it to be right somewhere I suppose. But that choice is pushing me. If that's what I choose, then I'll have to excel in everything for the rest of my life. And I know what doing that, just for a short time, does to me. I'm exhausted,worn out, weary. But then, so many people will be counting on me, I couldn't let them down, I couldn't break down. Like I do so very, very often now. How will I ever keep up with those constant demands on myself. And yet, that's what I truly desire. I want to be able to handle it, I want to have to push myself, to make the right choices. But where I am right now, how could I ever be that great? There is just so much to learn.
I just want to be joyful, and full of life, and smiling; making other people smile. I want to be carefree, by choice. Lighthearted; dancing. Full of mercy, and even more compassionate. Tears and emotion to back every prayer. Emotions that build me up, and others. That I can use as a tool. I want to be found in Him, because that's the only place all this will ever happen.
Jesus, help me.
1 comment:
I've got bad news for you. You don't get the emotions that you can use as a tool without getting the kind you hate. Or at least I have yet to figure out how to do that. But I'm pretty sure it doesn't happen.
I also have good news for you. Life happens in seasons. You'll get to a season where you get to push yourself. And then you'll probably get back to a season where you can't.
However, beware of that desire to "be able to handle it." That's not a desire from God. He wants you to always have to lean on Him. Always. If you're able to handle it, you won't need Him
I love you. And I really, really miss you.
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