My mom's home now. We talked some this morning. I told her my plans for going to see Jordan tomorrow, and tonight, and she said I don't need to see him everyday, and I pulled the covers over my head and said, "Yes I do; he's what gets me through life." So she told me that I can talk to her about things too. And at that point I'm crying. but she doesn't know that, cause the covers are hiding me. She said she knows she's not very wise, but she loves me. and she'll always love me. and that maybe she'll get her life together in time for her grandchildren. In time to spoil them, and be a good mentor for them. All I could do was say 'mhmm.'
How am I supposed to open up to her now? I love her dearly, but I also know how she'll react to certain things, and what she'll think about certain things. And I just can't have that. I prefer to be vulnerable with people that I know have the right answers. That I know are strong enough themselves to support me.
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know which direction to go, or how I'm supposed to act or feel or think. Strong vs. weak. Needy vs. tough. I have to be both things at different times. I do. I know I do. But I don't seem to have the strength to be the right thing at the right time. I always do the opposite.
Like yesterday. During school I hid, put my head down, and day dreamed my problems away. Then during church, when I could have been open and needy. I tried to harden myself, push down all the emotions and be who everyone wanted me to be. Which I've discovered 1. closes off all chance of anything going in or out. being helpful or receiving help. So I silently cry. 2. I really just can't do it. The tears are way too close to the surface. 3. All that is needed to break my 'hard shell' is holding emily gouker's hands.
And so I continue down this road of being 'professional' at times, yet also being completely weary. I don't know whether to hide or show the whole world my problems. How much is too much? How many people can I tell before I just become a complainer, and am looked upon as weak in the eyes of the world. The same world I'm trying to make a good impression on so that they will listen to me, and be influenced by me.
Sometimes I tell myself that everyone is different, and if this is what I need to do, then that's what I need to do. But no one else needs to do that, I must be weaker than everyone else.
Where is that strength that people so often say is so prevalent in me?

and god says, "you'll be as great as you prepare yourself to be."
that's been my motivation. But the vision I have of myself seems way too far off. God, do you see me now?! Look at what I am. I'm just spinning my wheels. What can I do?