Raw

To be perfectly honest, I've pushed this from my mind for most of the time between now and almost a year ago when I found out. It seems to catch me off guard, although most of the time I make myself believe it doesn't bother me. I didn't think it did, actually. The Christian-ese solution is so simple and everyone says, "Just keep believing you are healed" like it's so simple to do. But how does that apply in a practical sense? I mean, do I talk about it? Do I show God that I'm persistent by spending countless hours at the alter? Mostly I just try to forget and hope it doesn't eventually come around again. It always does. The strangest things trigger something inside of me and I break down like a baby. Healing isn't something I can make happen. I feel overwhelmed knowing the full weight I feel just by the mention of that word. I've seen what happens if I'm not healed, and I'm not prepared to face that. I'm not prepared to be the one determining my fate; for myself, my husband and maybe one day our kids.      Should we even have kids? Is it worth it? Half a life, one where you leave everyone who loves you before you even get to be a grandparent.. How am I supposed to make that decision?

It's not simple. "Oh, just believe." 
It's just not that simple.

It's the little things

Everything is so good lately!
I've been getting up early to exercise, eating healthy, getting my work accomplished.I even got my FAFSA and PA State grant paperwork in! Anddd, I'm sending my parents on a marriage retreat! (Just made the reservations today!)
Everything I want out of life right now is happening. :) Of course I'm not expecting this forever, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts!

As always, there are things I need to work on.
I'm realizing that I'm very awful at handling weird or awkward ministry situations. I'm hoping that's something that comes with time. But I'd like to be better at it!

I used to have this nasty habit of constantly munching on something! (Usually unhealthy) so pray with me that I don't slip back into that-ever!

Being in a relationship with someone as amazing as Jordan, for as long as we have been (going on 3 years) it starts to get pretty hard.
Hard because by now I know I want to be with him, but we still have to wait for that. So pray that I have patience during this time of waiting.
And let it not just be a waiting period. Let it be a time where we develop skills we will need, and grow closer to God, so that we are prepared for anything life throws at us.
Let me enjoy these dating years. Help me learn to the wife that I know God made me to be.

Thank you Jesus, for always being my provider.
You keep me safe.
You give me a security that I couldn't find anywhere else.
You show me my flaws in just the right way so that I have motivation to fix them.
You make me pretty clouds and trees. :)
Thank you.

Thursday, January 13th

Today I made a discovery, rather by accident.

First let me give you a back-story:

A few weeks ago, I was struggling with something (I think it was being lonely) and I talked to Gerry and he told me that the Holy Spirit told him something very odd. He suddenly stopped and said, "What do you think about the Britton's?" Which was totally out of place in our conversation. And I was pretty surprised, and I studdered the answer, "Well, they have a lot of potential if they could get past some stuff." (Cause this had been on my mind lately anyway, the Britton's had/have been acting weird and I couldn't seem to figure out why) And after a pause he said that what I think they should do to get past what they're dealing with is what I should do as well. Because we are dealing with the same spirit. This of course, was a total shock to me, because I sorta disagreed with a lot of stuff they'd been saying lately, although I didn't know what exactly I disagreed with, and I wasn't quite sure how to take this news.

So here I am today, thinking that my conversation with Gerry just was on the back burner. But after class tonight (at approximately 9:01) Abbie comes into our classroom and yells at Jordan to leave because she had a bunch of stuff to do and he was gonna cause her all these problems if he didn't leave that instant. Jordan and I just looked at each other like, wow, is this really happening? (The teacher had literally just stopped talking like 30 seconds before) So we got up to pack up our stuff and leave, and as Jordan was saying goodbye I said, "Wait, help me carry all my stuff out to my car!" I didn't ask, I told him, in the same tone of voice that Abbie had used. And he said, "You are acting just like her."

On the car ride home I realized that what he said was totally true, and the more I thought about it the more I saw that recently I have been getting angry in a matter of seconds, at mostly the people closest to me. It's usually when I'm at my weakest emotionally.

Back to what Gerry said, THAT'S what it is. That's "the spirit Satan has assigned to take us down." (in Gerry's words) I just don't know what exactly to do about it yet, besides call it out when I see it. And try to find the source of it in my life. (Which may be a whole other blog in itself) I just feel like it's a big accomplishment to finally figure out what it is! And I don't seem to be so angry anymore. :)

December 21st, 2010

I'm doing better at being disciplined.
I'm focusing my heart more towards people.
My relationship with my dad is improving.

Right now I really need prayer covering with my relationship with Jordan.
We are both so busy, its hard to maintain our dream and vision and passion.
Busyness is not holiness. Busyness is not holiness. Busyness is not holiness.
I need wisdom!!!
Proverbs 2-3 has been on my heart.
I just can't seem to get through it!
I get stuck on just a few verses at a time.
"He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.
He guards the paths of the just.
Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair
and you will find the right way to go."
I want to know what is right. Wisdom in icky situations.


A meaningful relationship is one in which the other person knows you almost as well as you know yourself.
I want to be known. Even more fully.

December 11th, 2010

I've recently recognized the power of prayer in a very strong way. So I've decided to start to keep a blog about things I'm doing well at, things I'm struggling with, and future aims for myself. And maybe someone reading this will pray for me. :)

Things at which I'm doing well:
I'm doing well at recognizing the difference between ministering and 'doing ministry.'
I'm the peacemaker in my family and have been the "leader" while we go through this rough time.

I genuinely love to serve.


Things I'm struggling with:
Try as I might, I am task-oriented, not relationship-oriented, and it's hard for me to put building relationships before getting stuff done. Which is why I know a lot of people, but don't necessarily know a lot about them. Because of this, I feel hypocritical.
I get frustrated easily when things don't go my way, usually with Jordan.
I don't put family as a high priority in my life. (Again, back to the task-oriented thing)
I care way too much about how people perceive me and work really hard at having a good image.

I struggle with the awkward relationship with my Dad.


Future aims:
Someone once spoke over me that I'll be the "next Mother Theresa."
I badly want to fulfill that, but I don't know if I'll ever get there. She was totally relationship-oriented. :( I'm afraid to dream that big.

I want to learn to a be less selfish.

A Dream

I've been dreaming lately.

What if there was a church without services, but existed only in service? Purely the body of Christ giving of themselves in order to increase the quality of others' lives.
Here are my thoughts:

- How many wounds would that heal?
People who have been rejected on Sunday morning, at some point in their lives. We would have the opportunity to tell them, we are a church that doesn't hold services. And they would wonder how that is church. But we can show them that church is simply Christians living in service to others. Jesus came to serve, did he not? Did he ever 'hold services?'

- Jesus came to heal the sick.
Services tend to lend themselves to keeping the righteous right. What I am envisioning is getting down and dirty with the 'sick.' People who are really in desperate need of a healer. Children in downtown cities, whose parents are drunk, high or abusive. The homeless guy on the street that everyone thinks is crazy. The old man in the nursing home that has lost his mind. The really HARD work. Churches are relatively safe. They tend to stay out of the dirt. But really, what's the point in that?

- What is 'Community service' anyway?
I've always felt uncomfortable about putting 'community service' on a resume. In what way did I actually make a longterm difference in someone's life? A bakesale is not a community service to me. Picking up trash is not a community service. To actually SERVE a community, is something way deeper than that. I think the meaning of those words have been lost in all the resumes, applications, and advertisements.

- The first church.
What would they have said about what we call community service? What would they say about our churches? It's so convicting for me.

- The need for fellowship and unity.
I understand that a big chunk of this would be somewhat diminished in a church that doesn't hold services. BUT I think that the impact that we would make in NOT, might be more than the impact if we would. There would be ways and opportunities to unite, but it would not be such a huge part of 'church.'

This is all my thoughts bumping around in my head. And please don't take this to mean that I'm bashing all church services and churches that do them. BY NO MEANS! I believe they are of great importance! But I do not believe they are a necessary part of every church. I think our culture has made them such. I've been called to a life of 'church planting.' But what if that isn't what we all think it is? Something just squirms in me when I think of starting churches that are based around weekly services.

I would really appreciate all thoughts on this matter. Am I just being ridiculous?

The change in my soul.

My spirit is changing, I.. in a way.. feel myself mature-ing, but I'm still very much a child. Just parts of my soul are starting to realize what life is all about. How much I've been so naive about, how there is NO other way except by God's power and strength and grace that we do anything at all. Why it's so essential to know Him. I'm learning to leave myself at the door and give all I have to Him, in order to accomplish as much as possible for his kingdom. Because that's all that matters in the end anyway.